A Letter To My younger self
I often wonder about what you would think about how life turned out.
A small girl with big dreams who was so ready to take on the world but who instead found herself in a private battle, staring down the darkness and demons which took up residence in her mind.
It’s a long, hard road – I won’t lie to you.
There are tears, there are scars, there are nights you stare at the ceiling and truly wonder if you will see sunrise.
But you do.
You always do.
Your strength is tested and although sometimes you falter, you do not fail.
But dreams change.
You change.
You meet people who will change your life. Who believe in the light at the end of your tunnel. And although the darkness doesn’t really leave, it becomes a blank canvas upon which you can begin to rebuild your life.
The stage lights dim, and a new focus begins. Interests knock on the door that was shut in your childhood due to a faulty school system which let you down. But once you open the door again, you see a world of wonder and possibility. It connects you to the joy that can be found in life and a new passions are ignited that breathe life back into you.
You go back to school!
A decade too late but your graduation is in sight, and you have done what, at times, felt impossible. You can see the life you want unfolding in front of you, which seemed so far away during the long nights staring at the ceiling.
You meet a man. A good man. Who takes one look at you and sees through the bravado and teaches you that it’s ok to be vulnerable sometimes and that there are parts of you that never really lost their shine. You will live entire lifetimes together over the course of just a few years and still get butterflies when he looks in your eyes. You will feel so loved, and so known.
You deserve that love.
You are an aunty, and you find joy in that role that is unlike anything else. The rush of this little person learning who you are and saying your name and seeing you for who you are right now, no comparison to what came before. Taking the little hand in yours towards the next adventure. You will delight in seeing those who you’ve known grow into this new role of parenthood and thrive amongst the nappies, late nights, and toys spread across the floor.
You take chances on rediscovering past loves in new forms. You find a community of local dancers who empower you to be your best and when you dance it feels like the first time you have fully let go in years. It’s not a cure for the darkness but it is a lift that allows you to remember you are more than your struggles.
I cannot give you the answers for what life will hold for us in the coming years. I can’t promise it won’t be hard, or that tears won’t fall down our cheeks. But I can promise that we will get through whatever life throws our way.
If we continue to surround ourself with the love and support of those who truly know our value, then we can’t go far wrong.
Hold onto those around you. Appreciate the strength of your sister, who is there for you in more ways than she will ever know. Who continues to inspire and empower you and who is building a beautiful life.
Stay curious.
Never stop learning.
Be open to new experiences.
Stop trying to be happy and instead be interested in life and the happy will follow.
You are loved, by so many people (but also by me).
I know that sometimes I find it hard to like you, and I am meaner than I should be, but I am trying to love you better. To encourage your potential instead of beating it out of you. It’s a lifelong journey, but I promise you, above all else, that I will continue to try.
I will get us to the life we envisioned. I know that you are still there with big dreams and your bags packed for the adventure ahead.
I just need you to stay strong when the sea gets rough.
The storm always subsides eventually.
And the clear air after the storm allows you to finally breathe.
And, darling, it will be so fucking worth the wait.
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