Hitting submit, one final time

I am not sure I ever really took any time to consider the ‘after’. When the assignments were all submitted, the chapters all read, and all the notes, taken over all the years, started to collect dust on the shelf. 

Relief. 

That much is certain. 

Exhaustion.

A new found ability to nap frequently and unapologetically. 

A feeling of pride, sure, but, to be honest, also a sense of loss. 

My degree has been such a big part of my life for the past 6 years, that to now be without it is an odd sensation to come to terms with. 

When I started my degree, back in February 2018, I was at a real crossroads in my life. I had recently stopped performing - which was always the dream - because I realised that, actually, it didn’t make me happy. I’d just started a new career in the charity sector, I was on newly prescribed SSRIs, and living out of a suitcase between my parents house, my sister’s flat, and my boyfriend’s single room in London. It was chaos and I needed something to make me feel like I was taking back control of my life, and an Environmental Studies degree with The Open University seemed like a logical step forward in this new chapter of my life.

I had never done a degree, I left school at 18 and started working as a performer before training at LAMDA in my early 20s. My 20s, overall, were dampened by my poor mental health, which is something that I am still trying to get to the bottom of, and that made ‘normal’ things - like getting a degree - seem beyond me. I couldn’t even function in my daily life, how was I supposed to tackle anything more than that? But whether it was my stubbornness to not let my mental health hold me back or ignorance of what I was really signing up for - I signed up. What was 6 years anyway?! (Spoiler - it’s a bloody long time to study for, that’s what it is!). 

Having said that, despite the fact that over those 6 years; I moved house 4 times, I went travelling for 3 months around Asia, I bought a flat, I lived through a global pandemic, I changed jobs 4 times, I moved to a whole new county, and I have had a myriad of health issues to contend with, in June 2024, I hit submit on my final assignment - and it felt bloody amazing! 

My partner got this image from the moment I hit the submit button for my final assignment - pure joy!

So, what now? 

Over the past few years, when the end started to be something I could glimpse on the horizon, I contemplated a Masters and even a second degree, but in the wake of the end of this era, I definitely need some time to regroup and decide what I really want moving forward. I grew up being surrounded by adults who had found success in the typical 9-to-5, office jobs and were very content with their lives, and from doing well in school, I have found myself on the same trajectory. However, if I am honest… I hate it. I don’t suit doing the same thing all week, being stuck behind a desk, and have found myself on a treadmill that is leaving me feeling tired and unfulfilled. 

There was a short window in my adult life where this wasn’t the case, I worked in an aquarium for about 2 and a half years, and working with the animals, doing the public talks, embracing the steep learning curve of all things aquatic, and advocating for conservation and environmentalism in my local area was truly a dream come true. However, I left that role because, sadly, it just didn’t pay me enough. I was surrounded by people working 40 hour weeks, and using their annual leave and spare time to do secondary jobs and I knew that I couldn’t stay. It broke my heart to leave but it was what was best at the time. 

Now, I work in conservation, in communications, and there are aspects of my work that I do enjoy, but, finding myself again in an office environment, working average hours, has also definitely highlighted to me what I don’t want for my career and for my life moving forward. Finishing my degree, and what I was able to prove to myself by doing that, is that I have value and I am much more than the struggles I have faced. I know what I have to offer and I need to build a career that allows me to showcase that. I am not sure what the future holds, or if change will once again be on the horizon, but this whole experience has given me lots to think about. 

Someone recently asked me if I would change anything if I was to do my degree again. And, I had never really thought about it, but no. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change a thing about my study path over the last 6 years. I turned up day after day for myself, to prove to myself that I was capable, that I had more to offer than I was led to believe, and all I ever did was try my best. 

I tried my best for just over 6 years, and that was enough. 

That got me to the finish line. 

I am proud of myself for that.